Tuesday, 31 August 2010

I am a driving God- Richard Hammond


Thick kids usually pass their driving test on the first time, I've been told. Clever kids aren't as capable to drive, because they see everything in black and white. Its just the way their minds are programmed to function.
So where does that leave me? I'm not a future Oxbridge graduate whose intellectuality soars through my veins. Yet, I'd like to believe I'm not the thickest kid on the block.

I started off my driving test by trapping my seat belt in the car door.Smooth. Thankfully, the large unpleasant man was walking around to the other side of the car. In the meantime, i made the smooth James Bond-esque move to untrap the seat belt and close the door. The man got into the car,well more like squished and squeezed into the car, not to mention the pressure he exerted on his side of the vehicle. I would have appreciated a smile, just one- but that soon became obvious that smiles took a backseat in this particular middle aged gentleman's life. This realisation caused me to grip the steering wheel in complete terror. Never in my life had i been more petrified of being assessed. In fact i had always been one of those eerily calm ones, that didn't give a shit at all. Yet this donut lover had my sanity in his hands.

My driving instructor had initially made me practise on all the test routes in Morden, except one which had roadworks going on. Guess which one homie decided to take me on? We continued to drive along one way systems, around motorways, up steep hills, manoeuvring my little heart out and then we finally came to a screeching halt. 'Sorry' i murmured, as he huffed and puffed. 'You have failed' he mentioned in a cold monotone of a voice. Twat. The he preceded to tell me how i had upset him. Apparently, going up a steep hill paralleling the likes of Mount Everest, i was doing 20. The signs around me told me to keep doing 20. Therefore, i kept my speed at 20. I was happy doing 20. Hooray for 20. Unfortunately not. It appeared that Fat Boy Slim thought i could have gone a bit faster, and in his mushy little mind made up a scenario that other cars behind me were swerving into side roads because they didn't want to be stuck behind me. The logistical reason that they wanted to go the other way anyways didn't really hold a strong argument with him.

He presented me my green paper full of little marks like i had obtained a degree. Mumbled something about going to find my driving instructor and then left me. He left me there in the car with the pouring sunshine, nursing a cold sweat and feeling dazed and confused. I sat there thinking how i was probably the unluckiest girl in the world for having this examiner. Also i really hadn't done that bad. Plus also wasn't he meant to go get my driving instructor who was waiting in the car park? as i watched him saunter bank into the driving centre. Double twat. Jane my lovely instructor arrived ten minutes later, furious she hadn't been called. Welcome to my world i thought. I had been driving around this arrogant truck loader for the past 40 minutes and he dint even have the decency to say thank you.

I felt a bit down obviously- who wouldn't. I guess it really showed later on in the gym. I sat on the PowerPlate with the inability to do anything. One of the personal trainers came up and asked me what was wrong. I told her my story full of all the twists and turns. She listened attentively. Then she mentioned to me ' Darling you're not the only one. Two girls came in this morning after they had failed their tests in Morden too. Must have been the same instructor not having a brilliant day'. Damn right. It probably was him. Didn't quite catch his name. Triple twat.
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